There are many different stages, phases and faces of AN and all EDs. It is interesting to look at the disease from different angles and perspectives. To the sufferer, AN may start as a thought. It then grows into a decision, then a pattern, then an obsession. Not to say that having an ED is a decision...it is anything but. However, a small lifestyle change can quickly snowball into more. It is a fine line between control and obsession. To the outsider, friend or loved one, AN is see in a very different light.
I can confidently say that I am now recovered from my ED. Looking at my time of sickness is interesting now in hindsight. I remember the beginnings...a small decision to get healthier, to be a little bit better, to attain a higher level of perfection. I remember the first time I realized I had a fear of food. I remember the pain, hopelessness and fatigue in the throws of the illness, and yet the rush of needing to start the pattern all over again the next day. I remember treatment...the hell that it was, but the light that came of it. I remember recovery, the good days and bad, the discouragement, but then hope that some days were getting a lot better. I remember the feeling of freedom. A freedom I couldn't have fathomed only a short time before. Perspective is interesting...and it is interesting how ED can change his face to fit the deceit of that moment. In the middle of battling the illness it is hard to think about others. It's just a reality that when the mind is malnourished, it can't focus correctly on all it is meant to. I wasn't able to consider the concerns of those surrounding me. The lies were too much to overcome on my own.
Maudsley Method is an interesting school of thought in that it recognizes the lack of ability in the malnourished mind to think concretely. Since the one who is sick cannot make rational decisions, he or she needs help to make those decisions in order to live. Seems pretty simple, doesn't it? Now that my mind and body are re-fed, I can see their perspective. My husband and parents were looking out for my best interest, even when at times it seemed that they were ruining me and everything I had created.
There is so much to be said, but I know that I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my husband, parents and those who supported me the entire recovery process. They chose my meals when I couldn't. They chose life for me when I didn't want it. EDs are complex. Everyone is different, but all are treatable. I see now the importance of community in the treatment process and how it has changed my life. Perspective is interesting...and now my world has become much bigger.
D and K